What is it about condoms that makes me giggle? Certainly not their importance or efficacy.
As a mom of three grown adults, I remember cringing more than laughing back in their teenage days, when Santa tucked a condom into each of their Christmas stockings.
“I’d rather you not need them,” I said. “But for heaven’s sake, if you’re going to do it, make sure you are safe.”
It’s been a lotta years since I—er, Santa—stuffed those kids’ stockings with golden protection. In fact, I haven’t walked down a condom aisle at the grocery store since, well, let’s see, maybe 2007?
So when I found myself on a mission recently—in search of unlubricated condoms, no less—I felt rusty about my skillset in picking them out. And, I confess, a little giggly, too. That’s why I asked the Riceman to help me.
“I am not going to buy your condoms for you,” he said in a huff.
True, the condoms were for me, or rather for my boat, which I was getting ready to winterize. Rice is a landlubber so I often ask our daughter Alex, rather than her father, to help me remove the battery for winter and wrap the remaining electrical cables in Ziploc bags.
“At my age!” Rice wasn’t about to let this go. “What will people think?”
I would’ve thought he’d be flattered, having the sales folks at Publix think of him and condoms in the same sentence. Especially at his age. Never mind, though. I’m starting to creep myself out. Let’s move on.
To Rice’s credit, when he came home from Publix, he told me he had, in fact, searched the pharmacy aisles while waiting for his prescription.
“No luck,” he said. “And before you accuse me of looking ‘like a man,’”—in our house, that means barely looking—“I went so far as to ask the cashier about them at checkout time.”
The cashier confirmed what Rice suspected. The grocery store didn’t carry unlubricated condoms. That’s Rice’s story, at least, and for the sake of family unity, I didn’t press further.
But…back to the post autumn equinox condom caper. I needed those condoms damned quick, as I wanted to winterize the boat the next day. So I texted Alex for help. After all, she’s the one who told me that unlubricated condoms are often used by audio operators working out in the elements. If they’re good for protecting audio cords, why not boat cables?
Our text thread follows:
Me: Dad’s having trouble (and moments of embarrassment) trying to find unlubricated condoms.
Her: That’s because they should never be used (outside of audio work.)
Me: So…where do you suggest I get ‘em?
Her: Are you asking your lesbian daughter where to buy condoms?
Me: Yes! Since she’s the one who suggested I get them in the first place.
After several minutes, she texted me back again.
Her: Called my audio buddy. He says they’re increasingly hard to find. He’s going to send me a number to an audio place that might know. But I wouldn’t stress if we can’t get them. I just thought they might work better than Ziploc bags.
The next day, Alex met me at the dock, five packs of unlubricated condoms in hand.
“What do I owe you?” I asked, wondering why we needed five.
“This round’s on me,” she said. “But just FYI, they’re available on-line in bulk. Fifty for fifteen bucks.”
Interesting, but most likely moot. This round I needed only two. At two per year, a bulk purchase would reap twenty-five years’ worth of condoms, likely outliving my boat. Or worse, they’d disintegrate before I could even try to give them away.
But…may I say this? Those babies worked like a charm. When I wrapped one around two electrical cables, they stretched out as needed, which was a lot. And when I wanted that same condom extra snug to form a seal with electrical tape around the cables…well, I felt more confident than I have in years.
“Will you have the same guys tune the boat next spring?” Alex asked as I wrapped the second set of cables.
“Probably,” I said. “They did a good job last year.”
“Do you plan to let them know what they’ll find when they go to put a new battery in?”
“They’ve probably seen it all before.” I shrugged. “But…I might tell them that if they like my water-safe set-up, then I’m their gal.” I grinned. “I know how to get those unlubed babies in bulk for cheap, after all.”
Your flight attendant daughter knows who I am (and whom I consider a very gracious friend from years gone by...) I need to find a towel to wipe the tears of laughter running down my cheeks!! 🤣
I LOVE your newsletter—it always makes my day!!
DYING!!! Although what might be funnier is a group of college girls (who attended Southwest BAPTIST University and had never seen a condom up close in their lives) wandering the aisles of Walmart looking for the right pack because we were decorating a veil for our roomie's bachelorette party. We didn't know better - and bought the lubricated variety. Let's just say I'm glad I didn't have to wear that veil. :)