(It’s July again, the month that marks another year of marriage for my guy and me. Yup, for better or worse, this post is for Rice...as well as anyone else who ever muses about the marvels and mysteries of marriage. Happy anniversary to us!)
Last year, to commemorate our anniversary in the year of COVID, I posted 41 reasons I would still say “I do” to the Riceman, one reason for each year of our marriage. This year, I looked to the stars—the tabloid kind—for fun little tidbits on how to keep a marriage purring along. Here are ten morsels that resonated with me. #10 - RUNNER-UP, MOST APT POINTER:
Think about it. During the early years of togetherness, most of us practice our best behaviors, like flossing daily. Our partner finds our quirks—like maybe the way we blow our nose—cute. Then time passes. We get more comfortable, maybe a little lax. And suddenly one day, that honking nose becomes grounds for justifiable homicide.
So I think Mr. Franklin had a point: Before marriage, we need to take off our rose-colored glasses a little more often. After marriage, we might do well to invest in several pairs.
#9 - ANOTHER, MAYBE EVEN MORE APT POINTER:
Man, I miss me some Erma. She could make light of domestic life like nobody else. But beneath her wit came depth. I’m not sure what more to say about this observation of hers, except maybe this: “Point taken, Ms. Bombeck. Thank you.”
#8 - RUNNER-UP, NOT SO ROMANTIC BUT A TRUE-BLUE POINTER:
Okay, maybe some couples start out just liking each other. You know, as friends. Personally, I remember more lust and infatuation up front. (Note to our adult children: Sorry to gross you out. I’m just saying....)
Anyway, here’s what I take from Mr. Hanks’ statement: Love means little if we don’t actually like each other. And I mean really, really like each other enough to trust and share and lift each other when we’re feeling vulnerable, furious, devastated, afraid, nervous, neglected...and just plain bad. Because life together is not constantly awe-filled.
#7 - ANOTHER NOT-SO-ROMANTIC BUT TRUE-BLUE OBSERVATION:
The key phrase that strikes me with this one: It might work out.
I’m not sure why, but never in all my life did I imagine I’d be married as long as I have been. Shoot, I’m not sure I even envisioned living to be as old as I am. I am sure of this: marriage—and life—can get downright hard. So to the people who swear they know the secret to a long, happy marriage—whether it’s faith, great communication, super sex, knowing you chose right...whatever—good for you. As for me, I’m a realist. A hopeful one who’s not ready to give up on life. Or marriage.
Because, you know...it might work out.
#6 - SWEETEST OBSERVATION:
When it comes to relationship goals, Chip and Joanna Gaines have a lot of fans. Is their marriage as awesome as it appears on TV and social media? Probably not. Yet if it’s even close, I’d say they have a good gig going.
Speaking of marriage gigs, check out the exchange below:
Questioner: “How long have you been married?”
Rice: “Most of my life.”
Questioner: (face grows ashen) “Uh.... I see.”
Rice: (grins) “But it seems like just three months.”
Response: (eyes regain a spark) “Ahhhhh....”
On the downside, this exchange occurs often enough to make me realize we might just be downright old. On the upside, maybe Mr. Gaines will add it to his repertoire, once he and Jo-Jo get a few more years in.
#5 - FUNNY BUT OH-SO-TRUE OBSERVATION:
I dare you to dispute Mrs. Obama’s thoughts on separate bathrooms. Personally, Rice and I don’t have that luxury, although as empty nesters, I suppose we could make it happen. Instead, we live with the next best thing: a large master bath with a separate water closet and two sinks.
Love me the separate water closet. Absolutely. As for the two sinks, I’m grateful for those, too. I like to use his to wash my face and brush my teeth. Mine, after all, houses other accoutrements and remains a place to curl and dry the hair after applying makeup.
So who needs separate bathrooms?
#4 - RUNNER-UP – NOT-SO-FUNNY BUT OH-SO-TRUE OBSERVATION:
On a more somber note, there’s hate. If hate is an ugly word, it’s an even uglier emotion.
When our kids were young, they went through that lovely stage of shouting “I hate you” whenever they felt extra angry. I established a rule PDQ: They could think it with all their hearts, but they never, ever were to say it out loud. I wasn’t asking them to suppress their emotions, but I wanted to help them understand how much words matter.
The irony is, I personally remember telling Rice “I hate you.” One time. I think I even hit him on the chest as I said it. It was so long ago, over a matter that might seem trivial today but filled me with blinding rage back then. I said “I hate you,” and I meant it. We had to face the rawness of that emotion together. We could sink into it and let it win. Or figure out how to lift ourselves upward and onward. I’m grateful we chose the latter, over and over again. But I think I get what Mr. Richter meant. You don’t get to have a long-term relationship without feeling all the feels.
#4 - ANOTHER NOT-SO-FUNNY BUT OH-SO-TRUE OBSERVATION:
The phrase that strikes me with this one: We’re just not quitters.
God love the Smiths. The Rices also adhere to that mantra.
Please don’t get me wrong. Not every couple can move upward and onward. Not every couple should stay the path together. When things like infidelity, incompatibility, immaturity, abuse (physical and/or emotional), dire financial problems come into play, who knows how much any one couple can withstand? I’m sure it depends on the couple. And the circumstances. And probably a damned good therapist as well.
No doubt, there are times to quit a marriage. But I’ll stay out of yours if you stay out of mine.
(2) A PRETTY MUCH ON-THE-MARK OBSERVATION
When I try to think of the dorky things Rice and I like to do together, I draw a blank. (Maybe because they don’t seem dorky to me?) This probably doesn’t count, but here goes:
A few years ago, I discovered a concept called Otium. It’s the Latin term for a period of leisure—often, but not always, after retirement—when a person makes intentional time to enjoy eating, playing, resting, contemplating, and pursuing educational and artistic endeavors.
Who couldn’t use an Otium? I decided Rice and I needed one before we retired. Opting for something educational and artistic, I enrolled us in a watercolor class.
Guess who didn’t realize a prerequisite for painting with watercolors might be the ability to draw?
That would be me. So, okay, Rice and I became the class remedials.
Our instructor was great. She encouraged us to select simple projects and allowed us to use a special technique. It’s called tracing. And you know what? We survived the class just fine. We even learned (and confirmed) a few things.
Lesson #1: You really can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Proof: Despite the class, everything Rice draws—be it animal, mineral, or spirit—continues to look like a scared rat.
Lesson #2: You can’t get an old gal to move faster than she’s ready to. Proof: I remain freakishly cautious, fretting like a fiend over even the simplest tasks and assignments. (And I hate this.)
Lesson #3: Delightful surprises await where you least expect. Proof: We discovered Rice has an excellent eye for color and shading and working with light—way better than mine. We tackle our DIY projects (when we dare) a little differently now with that knowledge.
Was our Otium dorky enough for Ms. Kaling? Maybe not. But it reminded us that seeing and respecting each other’s strengths and weaknesses needs to be an ongoing process. A choice.
Speaking of choice, my sweet friend Mandy made an observation about marriage that bears consideration: “Some days I’m in love. Some days I choose to be..... Nineteen years into the institution, it's a choice I’m happy to have made again and again!”
There’s also this:
(1) THE JACKPOT ON-THE-MARK THIS-IS-HONEY-&-RICE OBSERVATION:
What more can I say? In many ways, this TV sitcom’s description of marriage nails it. At least for us.
And you know what? That may sound like a bad thing, but it's not.
Anyway....to Rice: Happy 42nd! Let’s not be quitters, okay? Let’s aim for 43. With a little effort and a lot of ongoing luck, it might work out.
To everyone else: Cheers ~ J
